Who You Are Matters More Than How You Parent
The Place And Limits Of How-To Books
I’m posting my reflections after reading each chapter of How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. Links to previous posts:
Why This Book | Introduction (this post) | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | Afterword
On The Introduction
In How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk they begin by admitting they never really wanted to write a how-to book. They say:
The relationship between each parent and child is a very personal and private matter. The idea of giving anyone instructions on how to talk in such a close relationship just didn’t feel right to us.
They got over this hurdle because of the pressure they felt after writing their first book. People really wanted practical steps, and clear examples of exactly what to say, all based on the authors’ experience.
Their goal was a pure one in writing this book. They say it was: to search for methods that affirm the dignity and humanity of both parents and children. As a Christian, I can appreciate the idea of applying the imago-Dei in parenting. So I’ll keep reading!
Still, let’s consider the place of How-To books in the broader framework of ethics. Intuitively, even in the author's own view, it seems too much reliance on how-to books would be unhealthy.
How-To Books Aren’t Inherently Wrong
In Jesus’ day, there were great gurus in the how-to technique called Pharisees. Jesus said to them,
Woe to you… You give a tenth of your spices—mint, dill and cumin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law—justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former.
It’s kind of comical, right? Can you imagine buying Montreal Steak Spice, getting home, immediately measuring out a tenth of it, and then giving it to the church? It’s wild!
But Jesus doesn’t say this wild practice is unimportant. Jesus says that while you should practice the more important matters (justice, mercy and faithfulness), you still should not neglect the former. So there’s a place for technique. To keep the tithe illustration going, it would be good for people to be taught how exactly to tithe to the church. Tell them exactly who to write the cheque to, where to place the cheque, and how to pick up your charitable tax receipt.
A comic from the book as reproduced by Pooja Goyal’s medium article.
How-tos can be good. But we need more than just technique.
A Holistic Parenting Ethic
In ethics, there are three major philosophical systems:1
Deontology focused on rules
Consequentialism focused on outcomes
Virtue ethics focused on the type of person one is becoming
Our culture is mostly focused on either of the first two. There is an obsession with rules in both the woke and the anti-woke. And the ones focused on outcomes (consequentialism) present themselves clearly with the phrase, “whatever makes you happy,” or even “do what feels right, as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone else.”
Parenting can often fall into these first two categories. Either we build up rules — bedtime training, discipline methods, permissive approaches — or we work backward from the expected outcome of a socially adept “successful” adult that we work towards in the child. In Christian circles, rules-based people are very focused on technique. And the consequentialist people often repeat the phrase, “the important thing is that they become believers.”
But what’s the right approach?
I’d say the Bible gives us a combination of rules to live by, outcomes to seek, and virtues to pursue. The Bible transcends each ethical system with an ethical framework person of its own.
The Place of Parenting How-Tos
So reading this book then, knowing that it is going to focus on how-tos, I want to keep in mind a couple of things:
The authors themselves believe a how-to approach is limited
The Bible teaches that how-tos are not the only way to live the Christian life
True Christianity is one that contains how-tos like visiting the fatherless and widows in their affliction (James 1:27, 1 Tim. 5:3-16).
True Christianity teaches that we must grow into maturity, attaining the whole measure of the fullness of Christ (Eph. 4:13-15, 1 John 3:2), to glorify God and enjoy him forever.
True Christianity teaches virtue: peace, hope, and joy — things not easily identifiable on a to-do list but easily discernable when they go awry.
And so I graciously will learn these how-tos as I see their place in a broader ethical framework that centers on the person of Jesus. I will see how I can never parent well, no matter how many tips I practice, if I don’t love my child. I must always pursue not simply what phrases to say but the type of character I exemplified.
I start this journey through the book with the strong belief that the most impactful thing you can do for your kid is not to practice the best technique but to live a godly life - one of virtue and maturity in Christ.
Who you are matters more than how you parent.
From Christian ethicist Jason Thacker - https://jasonthacker.com/2022/08/15/what-is-the-goal-of-the-christian-ethic/