What Parents Shouldn't Say To Emotional Kids
Practicing Empathy As A Christian
Note: this is my fourth post in a series where I read through How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. Part one, on my parenting struggles, is here. Part two, on “how-to” books, is here. Part three, on listening to my kids when they share their feelings, is here.
In my last post, I described what the response to emotions should be: listen attentively, acknowledge their feelings with a word, give the feelings a name, and give them their wishes in fantasy.
But we don’t always do this. Well, I don’t.
Alternatives To Acknowledging Feelings
The authors Faber & Mazlish list seven examples of how not to respond to your child when they share their feelings. I’ve reproduced their list with minor revisions, below.
When you read the list, instead of imagining your kid being bothered, imagine that YOU are frustrated about something. Imagine your boss is upset with you for an accident you made at work. You’ve left work frustrated and on your way home, you speak to a friend or your spouse. Here are the eight ways they might respond:
Denying the Feelings. “There’s no reason to be so upset. You did make a mistake, after all.”
The Philosophical Response: “Life is hard sometimes. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”
Advice: “Well, you could try something different so that it doesn’t happen again. I have a book you should read.”
Questions: “Why do you think your boss was so angry? Has this happened before? What makes you think that?”
Defense of the Other Person: “Well, your boss must have just had a hard day. Consider their perspective.”
Pity: “Oh, you poor thing. I feel so sorry for you, I could just cry.”
Amateur Psychoanalysis: “Perhaps the real reason you’re upset is that you lack faith in God. And, have you considered how your childhood trauma might be affecting you?”
An Empathic Response (an attempt to tune into the feelings of another): “Wow, that sounds like a rough experience.”
The last response is the clear winner. There is a time and place for advice, philosophy, and psychoanalysis. But our first response to a concerned friend or child should be an empathetic response. Wouldn’t we want the same?
But some people can go too far with this - going to the extreme of empathy - while others (like me) don’t practice empathy enough.
Caution in Extreme Empathy
Empathy, when practiced well, is a way of living out the golden rule of doing unto others what you’d want to be done to you.
The authors describe empathy as taking the time to understand what the other person is going through and becoming better attuned to the feelings of another.
But when we “tune into the feelings of another” do we risk going too far? What if entering into the feelings of the other makes us unable to parent well?
If we go too far with empathy, we can risk something called enmeshment. This is where we are involved in the other’s activities and feelings to an excessive degree, thus limiting or precluding healthy interaction and compromising individual autonomy and identity.1 Consider getting so caught up in the frustration a child feels when a toy is taken away that you too, being so tuned into their feelings, are also coveting that toy and angry at the sister who took it. How dare she steal that toy! Ugh! Perhaps out of this emotion you might even use your physical strength to grab that toy yourself!
The repeated picture of Jesus in the gospels is compassion rather than empathy.
When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd, (Matt. 9:36).
Jesus had compassion (see also Matt. 14:14, 15:32). Compassion might include empathy, but the emphasis is important.
In Hebrews 4:15 we learn that Jesus is not unable to “sympathize with our weaknesses” since Jesus was “tempted as we are.” In the NIV, this is translated as “empathize” and we might say that this is a form of cognitive empathy as Jesus understands, through his own experience on earth, what it is like to experience the effects of sin in this world. Jesus is tuned in to what it feels like to be human.
So there’s room for empathy but it must have limits.
Notice this passage when Jesus interacted with a woman whose only son had just died:
And when the Lord saw her, he had compassion on her and said to her, “Do not weep,” (Luke 7:13).
Jesus had compassion yet asked her not to weep, perhaps as a way of comfort, but also as a way to redirect the mother’s feelings.2 Jesus went on to heal her dead son (Luke 7:14).
You and I don’t normally bring someone back from death, but we may have situations where our child’s emotions can be met with some action or word on our part. If your child is crying about not having a balloon, not realizing there is a balloon right beside them, then it’s fair to say, “oh, there’s a balloon right beside you. You don’t have to cry!” You don’t have to say, “wow, it must be hard not having the balloon you want.” We can have empathy, and we should have empathy, but it needs to be within reason.
Caution in Cautious Empathy
I don’t struggle with giving too much empathy. I struggle with giving enough. I can be too cautious with empathy and too active in the alternatives.
I am guilty of diminishing the feelings of my kids, going straight to advice, or throwing a series of questions at them that skips over the real human need of being heard.
It’s a scary thought, really. Imagine if over and over again I do not acknowledge the feelings of my child. What does that teach them?
If our kids can’t speak to us about one of the things most core to their autonomous selves — their feelings — how can we expect them to speak to us about other matters of their core selves: their hopes, their dreams, and their faith in Jesus?
Our disposition toward our kids needs to be the same as that of God to the psalmist: acknowledge every single human feeling as it comes, free from immediate pushback or correction, but not free entirely from correction or re-orientation towards the good.
And so what we should pursue with our kids is cognitive empathy where we seek to understand what our kids are feeling as well as affective empathy where we share some of the emotions of our kids as long as we don’t go so far as to be caught in enmeshment.
Conclusion
Next time I respond to my kid’s emotional outburst I want to practice patience. Isn’t that what love is? And am I not, as a dad, warned, “do not exasperate your children,” (Eph. 6:4)?
At a minimum, Ephesians 6:4 warns us that the response of our children is affected by our parenting approach. Give your kid lots of theology, lots of questions, and lots of advice. But in their moment of distress, be quick to listen and slow to speak. Be wise, be patient, and acknowledge their feelings.
For a detailed discussion of enmeshment and empathy, see Jonathan Worthington’s article “Navigating Empathy” in Themelios, Volume 46, Issue 3.
We need to avoid two extremes in regard to our feelings. One extreme says that our emotions are completely out of our control and are always good and never wrong. The other extreme is to say that feelings are merely an indication of our will and therefore feelings ought to be completely controlled by the Christian. The truth is that God allows for anger (Eph. 4:26, various psalms) and yet also questions whether anger is right in a given circumstance (Jonah 4:4, 4:9, Gen. 4:6). This is more nuanced than this post has room for. I recommend The Logic of The Body by Matthew LaPine for more detail.