How Do I Listen So That My Kids Share Their Feelings?
Saying nothing speaks the loudest.
Note: this is my third post in a series as I read through How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk. Part one, on my parenting struggles, is here. Part two, on “how-to” books, is here. I do not approach parenting as a master but as a student.
In Chapter One, Faber & Mazlish describe how to talk — and not talk — so that your child shares what’s wrong in the midst of their distress. This is not just up to your kid; you can’t say “oh my son just doesn’t like talking to his parents, that’s just who he is.” No. Your responses to your children influence their likelihood to speak to you again when they’re upset in the future.
To help respond to feelings, the authors offer four steps:
Listen with full attention.
Acknowledge their feelings with a word — “Oh” . . . “Mmm” . . . “I see.”
Give their feelings a name.
Give them their wishes in fantasy.
In our distracted age, perhaps listening with full attention is the most difficult. I’ll confess to that.
But acknowledging feelings can also seem off-putting to some Christians who fear subjective feelings have been overemphasized in our culture. I think feelings are in general a good thing, given by God, to be felt and communicated back to Him. More on that is below.
Importantly, you acknowledge only with a word. After reading this chapter I realized the best listeners I know do this all the time. Even just a nod, a sympathetic sigh, or the exhaling of a breath while shaking one’s head - it’s impactful.
- A comic from the book How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk.
Give feelings a name is straightforward enough - it expands your child’s vocabulary so that they are more likely to describe what they are feeling next time. I think the Psalms do this too. The Psalms present a whole range of emotions that can help you describe your feelings. Do you feel like a deer thirsty for water (Ps. 42:1)? Are you asking God, “how long” about something (Ps. 13:1)? Do you feel like you have enemies (Ps. 59:1)? Do you feel in need of a place of refuge — a rock or fortress to keep you safe (Ps. 46:1)? The Psalms are like a good parent to us, too.
The giving of wishes in fantasy is complicated for me to evaluate, but as a Christian who believes in an eternal kingdom with eternal rewards, I can agree there’s a place for hope in the midst of difficult circumstances. That hope includes imagining a world where those feelings don’t exist (Rev. 21:4), which is sort of what the authors suggest.
So, overall, I think that these four steps are good. I have already begun to use them myself. The biggest change for me has been to slow down in responding to my kids and actually thinking about the best thing to say - it’s wild how quickly I can speak without thinking! I think my two young kids have appreciated the change - though the results are mixed and I’m still learning.
Acknowledging Feelings Is Important
I was once going through a really difficult time in life and I reached out to a friend to discuss it. He’s a more intellectual type but we’ve been friends for years. For the first five minutes, I just explained my scenario and he listened. Then finally, I paused to see his response, and he said:
“Hmm…” and just nodded his head with neither a smile nor frown.
And that was incredibly comforting.
At that moment I realized he wasn’t judging me and he wasn’t evaluating my theology. He was just listening. He heard me. He was with me. I got the sense that he knew that nothing he would say was going to solve my problems. It was like he knew the last thing I needed was a quick solution. I needed to be heard and I needed someone to listen. He did.
God Listens, Too
I sometimes wonder why some Christians feel the need to hear from God outside of God’s revealed word. In some ways I get it, we want some sort of response from God to our requests, some specific advice or direction. I don't think it’s wrong to desire that. But hearing audibly from God is a very unique experience. The Bible doesn’t portray believers normally hearing audibly from God.
The people of Israel didn’t get to hear from God directly but had God’s Word mediated through Moses.
In the rebuilding of the temple, only Haggai and Zechariah spoke prophetically while even Zerubbabel, the guy in charge, had to listen to God through the writings of those two men.
And in the early church, the Word was mediated through the writings of the apostles.
Hearing instruction from God is exceptional, not normative.
Even though God doesn’t often speak audibly to us, he still hears us. He hears our feelings, our concerns, and our distress.
In my distress I called upon the Lord; to my God I cried for help.
From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears.
Psalm 18:6
And just like when I met with my friend, being fully heard makes a significant impact. It was impactful because I already heard from that friend before, I knew his character and the type of man and husband and father he was. I had an established respect for him (and continue to!).
The book of Psalms is God’s way of telling us that all our feelings are acknowledged by him, including anger, remorse, depression, mourning, impatience, thankfulness, and joy.
When you pray your distress with the Psalms in front of you, seeing the great pain that King David felt, it’s as if you can hear God saying, “hmmm…” with a head nod.
Once we believe God is who Scripture depicts him as we will believe that he hears from us. We will believe he acknowledges the full spectrum of human emotion. We will believe he is like a loving father, who snuggles us onto his lap and asks, “what’s wrong?”
And once we do that, once we realize who God is and how he hears us, maybe we’ll get a little better at listening to our children, too.